THE POEM IS IN THE SECOND PARAGRAPH OF THIS BLOG. HERE IS A COMMENTARY FIRST
Contrary to my incredibly infrequent and rather streaky posting track record of the last couple of years, I do still love blogging and hope this trend of mine becomes a habit once again. For now, I'll just by posting my latest poem, "Movie Poem". The poem is meant to attack who I consider the two most unjustly profitable filmmakers of recent times and perhaps ever, Jason Friedberg Aaron Seltzer. For those you who do not know who they are, allow me to enlighten you as they certainly don't deserve and "positive" fame. Friedberg and Seltzer are most know for all the films in the "Scary Movie" franchise. So if you see any detestable, lazy parody to come out in the last 15 years, it is a good bet they were largely or exclusively involved in its writing. If the word "Movie" is at the end of the title, it's an essentially suicidal bet they were not involved at all. Actually, I don't think they were involved in "Not Another Teen Movie", but that's the only exception, I believe. Anyway, I have long enjoyed ripping on them to the point at which many of my friends are likely tired of hearing me complain about them, but it is fun to attack them as commentary on all sort of reprehensible issues to be taken with these two morons still getting work. I mean their films are all hated by virtually every source of reviews from professional critics to imdb and or rotten tomatoes bloggers. And yet, no matter how etrocious the reviews to Date Movie were, someone still invested in Epic Move; no matter how abominable the reviews were to that and its follow-ups such as Dance Flick, Disaster Movie, or Vampires Suck, their low-budget films continued making profits and thus the two remained employed. A couple of years ago however, their vulnerability proved to finally appear when some studios who were originally stupid to green light a 3D parody the two idiots wanted to make; but the producers evidently realized that funding a 3D film would cost more than the income of previous Friedberg/Seltzer films had indicated this one would make. The studio therefore, canned it. Friedberg and Seltzer therefore got Ketchup Films (yes, that's the studio's real name) to fund, "The Starving Games". And how did that do? Well it came out last month and it is already entirely viewable on youtube. Maybe their incompetence has finally caught up with them.
AND NOW WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, "MOVIE POEM"
Shall I compare ye two to purest souls
Of those whose immortal words fill us whole
For ages to cherish each sacred page
Of storytelling from that of a sage?
Or shall I compare thee to something less
Like to a lobotomized worm at best?
For thou, not quite the truest men of heart
Whose eloquent humor sounds like a “fart”
Of human clichés brought unto the screen
Aimed to appear as shockingly obscene
And perhaps shocking to those pure of brains
With so little their craniums contain
More air than cells to use to give a fuck
For you to so unjustly make a buck
Oh dear Sam Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Where far art thou cinema turds occur?
Deny one hit film and take less credit
And ever shall thy names be linked to shit
For thou two souls who think that just because
A trend has earned any pop-culture buzz
‘Tis worthy of a lazy parody
Called “SOMETHING” followed by the word, “MOVIE”
With screenplays stolen from each written source
You mock with your recycled jokes of course
‘Cause G-d forbid a joke that either one
Of you thought up; slapstick, or just a pun
‘Stead of over-the-top imitations
In each of your anemic creations
Upon a 96th year came that May
The first to start your dynasty to stay
When billboards showed the boxers of Leslie
Thus we all thought Naked Gun 4 we’d see
But alas! For ‘twas the first time you scarred
Parody’s name when you showed us “Spy Hard”
And yet the Wayans brothers thought that you
Were perfect to help bring a franchise new
Therefore, 4 years passed when there came to be
The first to start the trend, “Scary Movie”
A generally popular release
To audiences who were frequently pleased
And all the fans who’d yet to have enough
Knew not what challenging roads to come rough
What reprehensibilities did wait?
When suffrage meant one Scary Movie’s fate
Of each sequels so inevitable, yet
Unnecessary except for to get
Greater joys of unethical riches
From suckers as the studios’ bitches
But would one sequel satisfy the senses
Of mercenary masters of offenses?
Or were you doomed to feel we’d mindlessly
Succumb to pay for Scary Movie 3?
Wouldst thou dirt champs insult us anymore
With genius films like Scary Movie 4?
I beg you not deem this franchise alive
Still after making Scary Movie 5!
If the “Scary Movie” sequels were all
You’d done to lead to your critical fall
Perhaps I would let you two off the hook,
But after all the profits you both took
From film goers and studios alike
‘Tis time your souls went on a Hell-bound hike
But then, I guess the trailer was enough
To confirm, “Date Movie” was the same stuff
To contaminate our brains when we’d see
That rubbish or even “Epic Movie”
Or your “Disaster Movie” or “Dance Flick”
Who blew a buck on “Vampires Suck” to pick
So they could waste time on something so lame
They almost gave in and saw “Starving Games”?